I love receiving emails from readers. A lot of these seek personal style advice. The Dear Marian… segment takes a letter sent in by a reader (With their permission off course! Their full name is not shared and can be kept anonymous if preferred.) and aims to share this with other readers in a bid to help anyone else facing a similar issue.
The below is the second letter feature in the series.
Hi Ronke!
Lovely hearing from you.
Thank you for taking the time out to get in touch.
First and foremost, please rest assured that many of us suffer with varying style insecurities and so you are far from alone.
I could tell from your email that you want to experiment with what you wear more.
I also noticed that you pointed out that the garments you buy do look fabulous on you but it is rather a lack of confidence that makes you hesitant to wear them.
Please be comforted in knowing that you can work on this.
A lot of people comment on my confidence to ‘wear what I want’ attitude.
Yes, my style mantra is about expressing my moods, my style experiences and personality through my hair, makeup and outfits with no holds barred.
Like everything in life, it progressed over time. In my pre-teens I found that I did care what people thought about what I wore.
It took me a while to get to the active realisation that personal style is a reflection of who we are as people. It is not static, it changes as we do.
It also took me a while to effectively realise that you cannot please everyone, all the time. As what one person may think looks fantastic on you, might get you on someone’s worst dressed. Style is a very personal thing, tastes are relative.
If your goal is pleasing others style wise, you might end up not pleasing yourself.
It was not an easy road for me as I am innately a people person, peoples opinions mattered to me.
They still do in some ways but not when it comes to my style anymore.
How did it stop being an issue for me?
Well I woke up some day in high school and refused to care about my style being perceived as ‘too out there and awkward’ anymore.
When I realised that my style was central to who I was, and that once I got it no one else had to, I was home free.
So now, I wear what I want, when I want. If people get it, all well and good. If they don’t that is fine, that is why we all have our personal taste. It should be personal to each of us.
I don’t expect others to click with my outfits because as far as I am concerned only 50% of each outfit I wear is about the aesthetic. The other 50% is based on feelings, mental thought processes, unconscious/conscious inspiration and other things another person would not get just by seeing me in that outfit.
Thus, understanding that what you wear is for you alone, a reflection of who you are and what you like will take a load off your shoulders. Therefore if Miss X or Lady C don’t get it, that is ok as they are not meant to. It is not for or about them. It is for you. That is why it is your personal style and not theirs.
From the moment I understood this simple concept, I have never been happier.
Don’t get me wrong, it does not mean I do not affected by unsavory comments, nasty looks or remarks about an outfit. I am only human after all.
What I mean though is, it no longer has the power to affect how my brain processes style wise. It no longer has enough influence to get me to even consider dressing any differently.
Like I will give you a specific example.
I get a lot of lovely comments on my Style Diary section, which features as it’s name suggest my personal style diary.
I also get nice comments that politely say that the outfit in question is not their cup of tea but works for me.
Last but not the least I get the outright negative comments, full of swearing and calling me a whole bunch of names. My looks and everything else is attacked on a very personal level.
I used to accept the comments littered with pointless curses but I don’t anymore.
Not because I cannot take them, but simply because it is one thing telling me you don’t get my style( like I’ve said I am not expecting anyone other than me to 
If anyone does, it is a bonus! ) it is another to be called every name under the sun just because you don’t think I am no beauty queen looks wise or because of how I might wear my clothes. I simply don’t accept those comments because they are simply pointless and they don’t even register to me. This is because most of these are obviously baseless, personal and really have nothing to do with my style. To show what I mean, a recent one was ” You are stupid, you look like sh*t and all you want is attention.” This is completely different from “I don’t think your style works because of so and so.” As you compare you can tell the former is nasty just for the sake of being nasty whereas the latter is objective, logical and has some sort of sensible thought behind it.
People like this think that looks, comments or their thoughts can affect a person by hopefully chipping away at their confidence. Unfortunately for them, when you get to the point of realising that no one’s opinion else matters than yours, those looks and comments will just become white noise.
If you are not dressing for anyone but yourself, why would anyone else’s opinion count?
So back to you….
I can tell that you sorely yearn to be more bold in colour and style direction.
What can I advice?
Ask yourself these questions…
Who do you dress for?
What makes you any less fabulous than the girls you admire style wise?
Why do you care what strangers think about what you wear?
Why would real friends and loving family want anything less than your happiness?
If God forbid you died today (God forbid!) would it not be a shame that you never wore what you wanted?
Finished pondering on those questions? I will now suggest the below pointer tips for you.
♠ Attack the style confidence issue with baby steps. Don’t expect to morph into Lady Gaga, self confidence wise overnight.
♠ Dream of some of that colour you have lovingly piled into your closet over time? Thou shall not neglect thy clothes! So get wearing them honey ! Start slowly. Since you are usually a slave to black set little goals for yourself that you in turn reward yourself for when you meet them. Since you are usually a slave to black, why not pair a soft pastel or one item of colour into your usual safe black outfits. This could be a blouse, an accessory or even maybe a two tone garment ( i.e a garment that is black and another colour)
♠ Start wearing those pieces that you are not brave enough to wear all the time, in bite sizes for short periods till you feel more and more confident. So picture yourself wearing that cute little number out with friends but not brave enough to? Why not wear it for little spells of time. Start by building confidence and wearing it all day at home, then when you feel fabulous enough in it, push yourself to make a short distance errand in it( perhaps to the corner shop or some place close to home) and so on. This will help you feel comfortable in doses that you can put up with. It will also help you feel so comfortable in the piece, that it will feel like a breeze wearing it eventually out for a longer period.
♠ Fake it till you make it! So you may not be as confident style wise as Rihanna so you might not be wearing an spike embellished shoulders anytime soon but why not fake that confidence till your inner psyche believes it? What do I mean? It may take you quite some time (it is a life long journey) to get to your style confident self but projecting confidence as opposed to indecision makes a difference. A lot of past and present day celebrities suffer with insecurities about their looks and image but do they look like they when they make appearances or hit the red carpet? Not all, they look self assured and self confident. Many of them do this, till they get to a point when they actually feel this way. Project confidence till you feel it.
♠ Create a mantra. Mantras work! There are always so many things around us, just waiting to chip away a girl’s fragile confidence away. So create mantra that is believable to say to yourself all the time. Sound silly? Maybe it does, but who cares when it works ?! So for example, my style mantra is … “If no one else gets my look, that is ok as it is not meant for anyone but me.” If you say something so many times enough, you start to believe that it is true. Be prepared to have close ones noticed the new more style adventurous you. They might find it a little strange at first but those that love you unconditionally will encourage anything that makes you happier and more confident. If any don’t give them time to adjust, if they don’t in good time, I’d say your relationship is worth re-evaluating as everyone is entitled to grow and change.
♠ Style Icons take time to make so be patient. No muse was birthed overnight. Even people like Marilyn Monroe still struggled with self confidence. Before she became, the iconic blonde bombshell siren we know today, she was simple unremarkable Norma Jean. It took her time to find her niche look and attitude wise. Below are quotes by Marilyn Monroe that suggest she did not ooze with confidence about her looks, abilities etc.
“I am trying to prove to myself that I am a person. Then maybe I’ll convince myself that I am an actress.”
“What am I afraid of? Do I think I can’t act? I know I can act, but I am afraid. I am afraid and I should not be and I must not be.”
“I’ve given pure sex appeal very little thought. If I had to think about it, I’m sure it would frighten me.”
“I strove to look like Betty Grable, but I thought Alice Faye had more class to her looks.”
“I didn’t pay much attention to the whistles and whoops, in fact, I didn’t quite hear them. I was full of a strange feeling, as if I were two people. One of them was Norma Jeane from the orphanage who belonged to nobody; the other was someone whose name I didn’t know. But I knew where she belonged; she belonged to the ocean and the sky and the whole world.”
♠ Dilute the trends and looks that attract you. Incorporate the looks that you want to try off the runway into your style in doses to suit you. So for example you might like spring summer 2010′s pastel trend. Wear it in doses that you feel comfortable in. Anything from a pastel accessory with your regular regimen of black or even a pastel nail shade would be a not to the trend. Do this till you feel comfortable to try a larger dose of the new and so on. Be prepared to push yourself slowly out of your comfort zone. The more you try the new, the easier it will get.
♠ Finally do remember that personal style is personal to the individual. People will have their diverse opinions. If they understand what you wear…all well and good, if they don’t? No worries, as that is why it is personal to you!
I hope this helps Ronke, remember it will be an ongoing battle. I am wishing you all the best as you try to conquer those as you wear what you want!
Glam Kisses,
Marian.
Read the rest of the series here.
Need personal style advice too? Email me at marian@mariankihogo.com. Letters are only published with approval from the writer. Full names are not shared and anonymity can be used if preferred.
